Script starts here.
Act 1
Scene 1
EXT., college campus hallway
(Dinah and Lily are walking side by side, on a cleared path toward the camera, while the illusion of bustling students lines the path, and bustles behind them.)
Dinah: Christian college. The last transition period before this generation really takes over civilization. It's not a perfect civilization, it's broken, and becoming more godless by the minute. But at least if we have to pay our dues in an ideological battle ground, risking secular brainwashing, we can do it in a college that still has the word "Christian" in the title, right? Not that this place is immune to winds of false doctrine either, but at least here you can still take a religious studies class with the correct bias.
Lily: My dad says I should put on my full armor of God, and not talk to any boys, or girls with false hair colors. Or anyone who owns a bird. Or a snake. Or video games. Or coffee stained teeth. Or any CDs by the popular liberal rock and roll band known as the Beatles.
Dinah: Who are you again?
Lily: I'm Lily. You just started talking to me because we were walking in the same direction. But I don't mind. Please keep talking to me.
Dinah: Nice to meet you, Lily. My name is Dinah.
Lily: Like the way people with a southern drawl, say diner? (mimicking voice) Welcome to the dinah. Would you like to try the special, dah-lin' ?
Dinah: That's not usually the pneumonic tool people use to remember my name. Which is a good thing. I suppose we can be friends.
Lily (whispers): yesssss.
Dinah: Do you know of any campus bible studies?
Lily (whispers): Noooooo...
Dinah: That's okay, we'll find one. Oh, we'd better keep a wide berth of these guys. They're the resident social justice warriors. I don't want any trouble.
Lily: They look like they listen to the Beatles. Or worse... the Beach Boys.
(Camera pans to Delilah and Cody and two others, gathering around Ollie, who is visibly upset)
Cody: Ollie, what's wrong?
Ollie: Cody! Delilah! Aren't you two taking a class with professor Gordonstein this semester?
Delilah: Yeah?
Cody: A history class. Why, what's up?
Ollie (looks to the left and right, dramatically leans in): He's a transphobic.
Delilah: Woah, that's some pretty heavy language. Are you sure?
Ollie: Of course I'm sure! I'm a trans, you don't think I'd know?
Cody: Well, what did he do?
Ollie: You know that gender diversity development program the school just implemented?
Delilah: Yeah?
Ollie: Gordenstien just came out against it. Publicly.
Cody: Seriously? Why?
Ollie: Because he's a transphobic. Dur. And probably homophobic and... I dunno, woman-phobic?
Delilah: Chauvinist?
Ollie: No thanks, I just ate.
Cody: Yeah, but... is that it? He just hates transexuals? It's that simple?
Ollie: Yes. It is that simple. Welcome to the culture wars. He's a hostile. He doesn't recognize me or anyone like me as legitimate. It's systemic oppression.
Delilah: That's pretty rude. He's supposed to be a teacher. What kind of example does that set?
Cody: Yeah!
Delilah: Stinky good ole boy Christian professors stuck in the past days of this institution where they have no place. Get with the times.
Cody: Well, I'm a Christian.
Delilah: Yeah, and he probably sees us progressives as a threat to his- Wait really? You're a Christian?
Ollie: You are?
Cody: ...yeah? Is that a problem?
Delilah: No, no, of course not.
Cody: Okay.
Delilah: Just.... I mean it's not a problem for you, is it? Like, you're still on Ollie's side? Professor Gordenstein is a transphobic, right?
Cody: Don't worry. I know where my priorities are. Ollie is our friend who is being oppressed.
Delilah: Good, you had me worried there. Don't worry, Ollie, we'll make it our business to bring that professor down a peg.
Tina (entering): Better bring him down a peg fast. Saturn is in Vertigo.
Cody: What? No it's not.
Tina: How do you know?
Cody: I'm no astrologist, but I'm reasonably sure that vertigo is not a constellation.
Tina: It is according to the white guy doing the fortune telling by the cafeteria.
(Cut to a close up of a crystal ball, pan out to reveal Kevin in a turban, behind a table with fortune telling stuff, a line forming with two young women in front.)
Kevin: Step right up! One and all! And let the great and powerful Orgaznificent reveal to you your sexy fortune! What does this semester have to offer? Is it danger? Romance? True love? Or all of the above? How about you there? (girls giggle) What does the crystal ball have in store for you? (rubs ball seductively) Perhaps you're looking for... romance? (girls giggle) In fact, if I'm reading this accurately, you may find yourself on a handsome date with a handsome man as early as... to-night! With a handsome handsome man who is wearing... a step counter?? But I'M wearing a step counter! Could it be MY fortune is ALSO getting told right now? Which one of you ladies does this fortune belong to? (leans in) or is it both? (girls giggle)
Girl1: That depends.
Girl2: What do you need a step counter for?
Kevin: Well.. call me a sap, but... I'm just counting the steps till I find true love.
Girl1 (giggles): That's really dumb.
Kevin: But in a cute way, right?
Thaddeus (approaches behind table): Hey, I don't mean to ruin the moment here, but did you know this whole setup you got going here is against school policy?
Kevin: What are you, some kind of narc?
Thaddeus: Quite the opposite. There's a professor coming this way. I assume you'd rather avoid getting caught.
Kevin: Oh snap! Take this! (tosses Thaddeus crystal ball, puts turban on his head, wraps up everything in table cloth like a bag) Run!
Thaddeus: OH! Uh... (runs after Kevin)
(Peter enters on phone, stops behind table)
Peter: Come on, can't we talk about this? ..... Mmmhmm. ... yeah but... but we can work this out, it's just a little obstacle, it's not insurmountable... Did Sarah give up on Abraham? ..... no I don't have a covenant with God, but I have faith in God, and I have a covenant with you!. ... no please schnookums, don't hang up, wait.. ARGH! She hung up. (turns to people still standing in line for Kevin) What are you all standing in line for?
Girl1: People's motivations are complex and change over time.
Peter: That's very wise. You are not wrong. (Exits)
Scene 2
INT. Bulletin board in school hallway.
(Kevin and Thaddeus stop running in front of bulletin board)
Kevin: Phew! That was a close one! We really gave them the slip, didn't we....
Thaddeus: Thaddeus. And there's not really any "we" here. I didn't mean to get this involved in your schtick.
Kevin: Don't be so hard on yourself, buddy! I think we made a great team out there.
Thaddeus: Oh, no I wasn't-
Kevin: Thaddeus and Kevin! partners in crime! Can't you just see it? My name is Kevin, by the way.
Thaddeus: Are you telling me your legal name isn't the Great Orgasnificent?
Kevin: Look, obviously I'm putting on a show for the ladies. You know that, I know that... even the ladies know that. That's how the game is played. Nobody's getting fooled that doesn't wanna be fooled. And in this day and age, sometimes the only good way to have fun playing the game is to let yourself be fooled. To get lost in the immersion. That's where I come in. I am... the dungeon master in this D&D game of romance. I am the worldbuilder of women's fantasies.
Thaddeus: You're talking so confidently, but it's just... garbage.
Kevin: Shhh! A wild gru approaches!
(Dinah walks up)
Kevin: Enchante, mon cher. Ne me quitte pas. That's a nice copy of Moby Dick you got there. May I take it you're looking for your own... white... whale (to Thaddeus who started making faces like "what are you about to say") yes I know. I realized what I was about to say too, and I immediately regret it.
Dinah: Actually, there's a flyer behind you I'm looking at? For the bible study?
Kevin: Oh, you're looking for a Bible study? (reaches behind him and pulls flyer off wall) This just happens to be mine. Except, we've changed addresses. We're now (pulls feather out of turban on Thaddeus's head to reveal its a pen, and scribbles out address and writes new one) here.
Dinah: Oh how delightful! It's providence I ran into you.
Kevin: Haha, yeah, that's why they call me Mr. Providence.
Thaddeus: They also call him Orgaznificent.
Dinah: What?
Kevin: Nothing. He's joking. So I'll see you there? Little bible study? Crack open our bibles? Light some candles? Get cozy? Make some... (suggestively) disciples?
Dinah: Yeah, I'll be there for sure! (to Thaddeus) Will you be there too?
Thaddeus: Yes.
Kevin: Oh, but Thaddeus, don't you have that thing that day?
Thaddeus: I cancelled that thing.
Kevin: Are you sure? It seemed important to your dad.
Thaddeus: I talked to my dad, he said son, you should totally go to bible study with your best friend Kevin.
Dinah: Aww you guys are best friends?
Thaddeus: that's us! Thaddeus and Kevin, partners in crime.
Dinah: Oh, you have a catchphrase.
Thaddeus: And what kind of partner would I be if I abandoned my pal into the throws of temptation?
Kevin: Temptation?
Thaddeus: Sure! A young man and a young woman? Alone together? What will people think?
Kevin: They'll think Thaddeus puts his family first and that his best friend Kevin and their new friend...?
Dinah: Dinah.
Kevin: And their new friend Dinah are praying for the both of them at bible study.
Thaddeus: Nonsense. I'll be there!
Dinah: Delightful! I'll see you there! (exits)
Kevin: What was that? I thought you didn't want to get involved in my schtick?
Thaddeus: Don't be so hard on yourself! I think we made a great team. (Exits)
Scene 3
(classroom scene with Peter and Cody and Delilah)
Scene 4
EXT. Hallway outside of Peter's class.
(The bell rings, everybody leaves class. Kevin catches up to Thaddeus in the hallway.)
Kevin: Hey hey hey, Thads. Thad. Can I call you Thad? Tad? What do you go by.
Thaddeus: Thaddeus is my baptismal name. I prefer the whole thing.
Kevin: Ugh, but it's a long name and I'm so lazy. Hey! Stop going so fast!
Thaddeus: My next class is all the way across campus. What are you even doing here? What do you want?
Kevin: What do you mean? Can't a guy come see his best friend in between class?
Thaddeus: Best friend? Are we still going with that? Your new crush isn't around, you don't have to play that game.
Kevin: Oh come, now, you insult me.
Thaddeus: You're right. New crush implies you actually care about this girl.
Kevin: Okay, NOW you insult me. But we ARE friends. We're basically wingmen. Killing it with the ladies since we met!
Thaddeus: We met a couple of hours ago. And on what planet does that socially engineered debacle count as "killing it with the ladies"? Whatever. I'm not your wingman.
Kevin: What are you a coward?
Thaddeus (whipping around): What did you call me?
Kevin: A Coward. Like job. (pronouncing it like job as in employment)
Thaddeus: Job?
Kevin: From the Bible. Job. You know? Job? He was that dude that kept messing up the devil's sale? By getting scared and hiding in a cave with his buddies?
Thaddeus: Are you talking about Job (pronouncing it correctly)?
Kevin: Yeah, him.
Thaddeus: I think you read that book incorrectly.
Kevin: I skimmed it while you were in class. But enough about me, let's talk about you. What's your favorite Bible verse.
Thaddeus: I don't really have a favorite.
Kevin: Just pick one.
Thaddeus: Um... How about second Corinthians 10:4. "The weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds."
Kevin: Great, let's give it a spin.
Thaddeus: Give what a spin?
Kevin (to passing girls): Heyy, ladies! Have you heard of the weapons of the warfare of God?
Girl1: Pshhh, yeah, totally. What's it to you?
Kevin (meekly): It's just... I feel like all these spiritual bullets are trying to get to me, and I don't know how to use God to protect my mighty strongholds. And this guy here (points at Thaddeus) says that my defenses are carnal and are gonna get pulled down.
Girl2 (Aggressively to Thaddeus): What's that, dude? You're trying to push this guy around? You think you're a big tough bully?
Thaddeus (nervously): I think my... friend.. here misunderstood. I was teaching him about second Corinthians 10:4.
Girl3: And that's what he came up with? Oh, how cuuuute. He's learning.
Girls 1,2 & 3: Awwww (fixing Kevin's hair)
Kevin: I just get so confwoozed. Whatever can lil ol me do? Can you girls teach me?
Thaddeus (Slipping in and sliding arm around Kevin's neck): He's making tons of progress. How about we skip off to our Theological ETHICS class, ay, Orgaznificent?
Kevin: What's the rush?
Girl1: Wait, did you say Orgaznificent?
Girl2: Hey, yeah, Aren't you that guy with the turban outside the cafeteria this morning?
Kevin: On second thought, look at the time! We'd better hurry, the class is all the way across campus! (Yanks Thaddeus away from girls)
Kevin: Good grief Thaddeus. I didn't know I'd have to train my new wingman up from scratch.
Thaddeus: I'm not your wingman.
Kevin: Of course you are. You're winging me with that girl at the bible study, right?
Thaddeus: I'm going to that bible study because you're a menace.
Kevin: Oh, and what would you have me do? Huh?
Thaddeus: Go and tell her the truth. Or stand her up. Either way is morally better than lying.
Kevin (mocking Thaddeus) EiTher WAY is MOrAllY BeTtEr ThAn lYiNg! You're the menace! We'll continue this discussion after your next class.
Thaddeus: Or you could leave me alone!
Kevin: You could leave ME alone!
Thaddeus: NEVER!
Kevin (pleasantly): Then we have a stalemate.
Thaddeus (shaking Kevin's hand): Indeed we do. See you after class.
Kevin: I look forward to it.
(both exit)
Scene 5
INT. Peter's classroom.
Lily approaches Peter's desk. Peter is sitting behind it jotting something down.
Peter: Have a seat Lily. (Lily sits) I wanted to talk to you about your essay,
Lily: My essay?
Peter: Yes. You said you were writing about the correlation between the Great Depression and the fall of the Wiemar Republic. What you've turned in instead is (pulls diarama from behind desk) this disturbing diorama of Nazis dressed as crusaders crucifying what appears to be Adolf Hitler dressed as an Ottoman Turk. It's rather well done, but the message is confusing. And it wasn't your original assignment.
Lily: Oh I see. I apologize, Professor. I guess I've been a little distracted.
Peter: I understand distraction. I've had a lot going on myself. But you can't let your grades get away from you this early in the year.
Lily: How do you make friends?
Peter: I beg your pardon?
Lily: I don't know how to make friends. I try, but I think I'm coming across as off-putting. I was home schooled, so I haven't had a lot of practice.
Peter: I see, well the campus has a number of groups that you can-
Lily: Have you ever felt lonely, Professor Gordenstien?
Peter: Uh.. sure.
Lily: When?
Peter (looks at a photo of his wife): It's not really important. What's important is your essay.
Lily: Who was she?
Peter: I'm willing to make an extension on your essay. Perhaps if you join any number of on campus study groups, you could kill two birds with one stone.
Lily: Is that what you do when you miss her? Go to an on campus group?
Peter: When I miss her, I call her. Please stay focused.
Lily: Oh, she's alive?
Peter (Sobbing very suddenly): Yes! She's alive and she's leaving me! I wanted kids and she wanted kids, but now she can't have kids, and she's trying to set me free, but I don't wanna be free, Lily! I don't wanna be free! I wanna stay! I wanna be with her and figure it out! We could adopt! Or we could, I dunno, artificially inseminate a volunteer womb. It's just not fair! I should have a say in this!
Lily: You should go to her.
Peter: It's not that simple.
Lily: Why not?
Peter: Because I'm at work.
Lily: Hmm, that is a conundrum. This girl outside gave me this flyer for a bible study. Maybe you should go to that? Maybe the bible has the answers?
Peter: I haven't been to a bible study in a long time.
Lily: My dad says consistent bible study groups are a natural social stabilizer. They keep everyone on the same page, and make it easier to unify in case of a demonic threat.
Peter: Your dad sounds like a wise man.
Lily: One time I peeked in on one of my dad's bible studies, and everyone was in black face.
Peter: ...I'm sorry, what?
Lily: They were standing in two rows with candles, and my dad was in the middle reading the genealogies from first chronicles.
Peter: Stop. I don't need to know more. Just have your essay ready by next week, alright? Email me if you're having trouble, perhaps I can point you in the direction of some relevant study materials. I want to see you succeed, alright, Lily? You have a lot of potential.
Lily: I'll do my best not to let you down professor. (exits)
Peter (begins to call after her in vain): Oh, you left your... bible study flyer. (He turns it around and reads it)
Act 2
Scene 6
EXT. Coffee shop, (note: name the coffee shop (ideas: 42Perk after the band, Hummingbird café like from AIPT)), Kevin and Thaddeus approach. Shots are just outside the door, and you can see inside when they look inside.
Kevin (stalling): Here we are. At the bible study. Now's your chance, if you wanna be a bro and leave.
Thaddeus: A bro?
Kevin: Short for... a brother in Christ?
Thaddeus: Oh, when did you get baptized?
(Kevin squeezes a water bottle over his head)
Thaddeus: Bruh.
Kevin (finger guns): a bruh... in Christ?
Thaddeus: Let's just go in. I need some caffeine.
(Thaddeus opens doors to reveal Peter, Cody and Lily are at a large table with bibles. Peter asks "you guys here for the bible study?" Kevin pulls Thaddeus to the side of the door)
Kevin: Ok, so apparently there's an actual bible study here. New plan. You go in, and I'll leave. Tell Dinah...
Dinah (approaching behind Kevin): Tell me what?
Kevin (reacting, surprised by Dinah): Tell Dinah... that I'm... So excited to start this bible study session!
Dinah: I'm excited too! I love not being the only one who's excited about something! I'll see you in there! (Dinah enters the coffee shop)
Kevin (to Thaddeus): Okay, new plan 2: electric boogaloo. You're pretty familiar with the bible, right?
Thaddeus: I mean, I've read it...
Kevin: Woah, the whole thing?
Thaddeus: ...Yeah?
Kevin: Even the really boring parts with Tom Bombadil?
Thaddeus: What? That's not... Yeah, no, I totally read the parts with Tom... Bombadil.
Kevin: That's impressive. You impress me.
Thaddeus: You impress me too, in your own way.
Kevin: Nice. Here's the plan. We both go in. You and I sit next to each other. You help me sound like I know what I'm talking about. Alright? Thaddeus and Kevin? Partners in crime?
Thaddeus: Please don't tell me we're gonna keep calling ourselves partners in crime.
Kevin: You're right. I'm baptized now. We're brothers in crime.
Thaddeus: You were NOT baptized. That's not how this works.
Kevin: Let's do it! Wait. Do you have an extra bible.
Thaddeus: Ugh. We can share. Maybe you'll learn something.
INT. Coffee shop. Thaddeus and Kevin enter and take their seats next to each other, at a table with Peter, Lily, Dinah and Cody.
Peter: It's five past. Does anyone know who's leading this thing?
Lily (raises hand): Is it Jesus?
Dinah: Actually, our wonderful new friend Kevin started this group.
Kevin: Oh, uh.. . yes, I started this. Sorry I'm late.
Cody: What are we gonna start with? Do we have study books or printouts we're gonna go over?
Kevin: No, I thought we'd just start... reading it.
(General murmuring reactions)
Cody: That's pretty hardcore. I like your style.
Kevin (whispers to Thaddeus): Is that not how things are normally done? Like in a book club? (Thaddeus shrugs) Have you ever been to a bible study? (Thaddeus shakes his head)
Peter: Why don't we open with a word of prayer? Kevin?
Kevin: Uh, okay. (Folds hands and closes eyes, all do likewise, Thaddeus crosses himself). Lord, you... uh... Lord you made the lion and the lamb. You decreed I should be what I am. Would it spoil some vast, eternal plan, if I were a wealthy man? ... Amen.
Everyone: Amen.
Peter: That's an interesting prayer. Is that from Fiddler on the Roof?
Thaddeus: Now we know you're into musical theater.
Kevin: Yes. Yes it is. Because. Because it's an example of an honest prayer. Reb Tevya is a flawed character, but he always prays whenever he wants, at a moments notice, and he prays honestly. That's the kind of close parental relationship with God I want for all of you guys as well. Consider it a challenge! But let's stop paying attention to me. What about all of you? Why don't we all go around the circle and say a little something about ourselves? Dinah? Would you like to start?
Dinah: Hi everyone! My name is Dinah. I play keyboards at my Pentecostal church.
Kevin: No way! You're a Pentecostal? I'M a Pentecostal!
Dinah: Oh no way! That's awesome! Do you have the gift of tongues?
Kevin (blushing): I don't know if I'd call it a gift, but...
Thaddeus (whispering): she doesn't mean French kissing.
Kevin: Shh I know that. (To Dinah) Do you have a special someone in your life, Dinah?
Thaddeus: Objection. Unrelated to church background or bible study.
Kevin: Overruled. This is not a court of law.
Dinah: Actually, I'm dating Jesus right now.
Kevin: Ooooooooooh. (As he stretches out the "oh" his facial expression changes through various emotions)
Lily: My name's Lily and I'm an Omphalos Lastthursdayist.
Cody: I'm not sure I've heard of that one.
Lily: It's basically a fundamentalist church, only we believe the earth was created last Thursday with the appearance of age.
Cody: Which last thursday? The one before the church was founded? Or just... Thursday last week?
(Lily shrugs)
Cody: Okay, well, I'm Cody. I go to the Fount of Olives Megachurch.
Dinah: That huge one downtown with the lady pastor? The pastorette? Pastoritta? What's the word for a lady pastor?
Lily: Ladies aren't supposed to be pastors.
Cody: I beg your pardon they can! Ladies can do anything gentlemen can do. And apparently some things they can't do. Like date Jesus? Did I hear that right?
Dinah (Proud of herself): Pastress!
Thaddeus: My name's Thaddeus. I'm Eastern Orthodox.
Dinah: Oh, you're one of those hipster Catholics?
Thaddeus: No.
Peter: I'm Professor Peter Gordonstein. I go to a Baptist church. We're traditional there. Our pastors and deacons are male.
Cody: Oh was that directed at me? Are we trying to get a rise out of me?
Peter: Not at all. I'm simply making it somewhat more apparent that there's an ideological diversity in this bible study. There's no reason some of us should bring these sorts of biases to the table while others shouldn't. In fact it might reasonably be worse if one of us were allowed to steamroll the narrative.
Cody: Bullhonkey. You're being petty cause I called out your bigotry in class.
Peter: I didn't get to be a respectable professor by being petty every time one of my students made false accusations about me to the dean.
Cody: False accusations! HA! YOU'RE making false accusations! I didn't talk to no dean.
Peter: Oh no?
Cody: No. .... did someone report you to the dean?
Peter: I apologize, ma'am. I made an assumption. I know better than that. We should probably start studying some bible.
Thaddeus: What did they say you did?
Peter: Nothing I can't handle. It's not even the worst thing on my plate right now. Honestly, it's fine.
Dinah: You know, I know most of us just met. You don't have to share personal stuff if you don't want to. But we are all Christians here. We are all praying for you, and I hope we grow to be able to confide in each other.
Cody: Someone probably reported him for the blatant toxic misogyny in the classroom.
Peter: If you must know, a student accused me of refusing to refer to another student by their preferred gender pronoun.
Cody: Did you?
Peter: I may not agree with that particular cultural development, but it benefits me nothing as an educator not to address my students however they want. Within reason, I'm not going to kneel and call anyone your highness.
Kevin: I thought gender was fluid?
Lily: Ew.
Dinah: It's not. Gender is a binary.
Kevin: Gender is absolutely a binary! I've always said so! Nothin but... ones and zeros...
Thaddeus: Wrong binary.
Peter: The school board is already under pressure from woke students to make preferred gender pronouns mandatory. That is something I *did* vocally and publicly disagree with. Because it's compulsary speech. I don't like that at all. For one thing, if we start a precedent of compulsory speech at all, it's not obvious who's going to be in charge of it, and it's not obvious at all it's going to stop at gender pronouns. I assumed you heard about that and claimed I took it out on one of my students.
Cody: I did not. But I'm not sure what the difference is.
Peter: The difference is that it's still my choice what I say. It's a free speech issue.
Cody: So what happens if a professor actually DOES choose to hurt a student?
Thaddeus: Hey, are we gonna study the bible?
Peter: First of all, it's not hurting a student, it's calling them by their biological pronoun.
Cody: It absolutely is an act of violence.
Peter: Secondly, the content of the speech censorship is irrelevant. The act of mandating speech itself is a thought policing exercise. And it's worth asking who gets to decide who gets to say what? Maybe the school board gets pressured into decreeing that this bible study is an act of violence to this very public campus coffee shop? Maybe we're allowed to have bible study, but we have to say specific phrases we don't agree with? Maybe we have to greet each other with heil hitler?
Cody: Are you having fun, riding that slippery slope all the way to fearmongerville?
Kevin: Kiss! (everyone looks at Kevin) What? I thought they were gonna kiss.
(Everyone settles into their seats and decompresses a bit while jazz music plays softly over the coffee shop radio.)
Dinah (opens bible): In the beginning, God created the heavens and the Earth. The Earth was formless and without shape, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters...
(The others slowly open their bibles and click their pens and begin to follow along. Thaddeus slides his bible over so Kevin can read along).
Scene 7
INT. Some kind of college lounge area/hallway. Dinah, Thaddeus and Kevin enter.
Kevin: Boy, that bible study sure did escalate, didn't it?
Dinah: Yeah, it really did. I had no idea there was that kind of culture war stuff happening so close to home. Like we're right in the middle of it now.
Thaddeus: It was pretty tense. I'm glad it's over.
Kevin: Yeah, but hey, just because bible study is done doesn't mean you and I can't still hang out, right? Grab a bite every once in awhile? Have scary movie nights? Eat popcorn? Get scared and hold my hand? Meet each others parents? Go to Venice? Start a new life? Maybe go to the mall? Are malls still a thing?
Dinah: What are you talking about? We'll see each other at the next bible study, silly!
Kevin: What?
Thaddeus: What?
Dinah (holds up flyer): See? You wrote that you wanted to make it a tri-weekly affair. Maybe Cody and Professor Gordenstien can learn to get along and put their differences aside at the next one. We'll wear them down for sure.
Thaddeus: Oh, I would love to, but uh... you know, being Eastern Orthodox, I'm not really supposed to be entertaining ecumenist efforts...
Kevin: Oh, bullhonkey. If you didn't like us, you wouldn't still be hanging out with us right now.
Thaddeus (quiet realization): Oh dang. I made actual friends with you guys.
Dinah: Abso-tootle-lootly!
Kevin: Well, I don't know that I'LL be able to make it to too many more...
Dinah: What do you mean? You're the one that wrote the flyer.
Kevin: I'm just kidding! I'm coming to all of them!
Dinah: Delightful! Now what are we gonna do about the whole gender pronouns nonsense that's going on? Oh! I know! (raises hand) Pick me!
Thaddeus: You're the one that asked the question.
Dinah: I pick Dinah! Oh thanks Dinah! Okay, here's my idea. We picket!
Kevin: ....Like with signs?
Dinah: Yeah! Like with signs! If the students are putting pressure on the school board, we'll just have to put pressure in the other direction! Like a clamp! Ooh, I could print out little leaflets with statistics about depression and suicide rates in post-op transition patients!
Kevin: You're talking about depression and suicide rates with a lot of glee.
Dinah: Oh come on! You know you want to. Just give in to the peer pressure. It's one little teensy weensy picket. It's not a gateway activism, I swear. Your parents won't even find out. It'll be our little secret.
Thaddeus: For the record, I'm not pressuring you into this. It's just her. I'm out.
Dinah (leans in, bats eyes): Do it for me?
Kevin (nervously): ...Of course! Wouldn't miss it!
Dinah (jumping for joy): Horray! I'm gonna go dumpster diving for 2x4s and cardboard! And loose nails! And hopefully not tetanus! Tell everyone, see who we can round up to join us! We're gonna convert so many agnostics! (runs off)
(Kevin turns to Thaddeus with a desperate look in his eye)
Thaddeus: No. Absolutely not. I am not going within ten feet of crazy Christian picket party.
Kevin: I don't know what to do. I'm no longer in control here. Gasp! I'm not the dungeon master anymore!
Thaddeus: What's happening?
Kevin: I don't want to picket against trans-rights. I don't want to go to bible studies three times a week. I don't believe in either of those things. Is this what Professor Gordenstien is protesting?
Thaddeus: Are you having an existential crisis?
Kevin: I lie to create situations I'm in control of. I do it all the time. Somehow this girl, she's grabbed ahold of my lie and twisted it against me. There's nothing I can do about it because I can't say no to this girl.
Thaddeus: You could tell her the truth.
Kevin (dramatically): Hoisted by my own petard! Caught in my own bear trap! tangled in my own web of lies!
Thaddeus: You could tell her the truth.
Kevin: She's turned the tables on me, has me doing all kinds of stuff I wouldn't normally do, and she doesn't even know it!
Thaddeus: Or you could tell the truth.
Kevin: The truth? Thaddeus? That I'm not a Christian, and that I made up a whole fake bible study to get alone with her because I thought she was hot? She'll hate me. Seriously, Thaddeus that's a horrible idea, and you're an idiot for suggesting it. Oh, Thaddeus, you're the smartest guy I know. What do I do? She's really taking me for a ride.
Thaddeus: ... well... maybe you should let her?
Kevin: Say what now?
Thaddeus: Women have a mysterious way of getting under men's skins, and making them better people. Apparently under all that bullhonkey there's a little... tiny... very very tiny... near microscopic... conscience. I know. I'm surprised too. But she found it. That little voice inside of you that thinks there's such a thing as wrong thing to do. And she challenged it. She grabbed right onto it, shook it around, got in its face and said "I disagree". So let her have it. Let her guide you into nurturing that little moral seed, and encourage it to grow inside of you. To bloom and branch out and bear fruit. And maybe someday it'll be a mighty oak tree of morality, and you'll be man enough to tell her "no" when she's doing something you think is wrong. And that, my friend, is the day you finally become man enough to actually date her. And by then it'll be too late. Because you have a lot of growing to do, and she'll find an actual Christian to marry long before then.
Kevin: That started as a really good pep talk, but it wasn't very encouraging by the end.
Thaddeus: I'm not as good as you at lying.
Kevin: We can work on that.
Thaddeus: No.
Kevin: The trick is to convince yourself first. It's called method.
Thaddeus: This is not a skill I would like to cultivate.
Kevin: You should sign up for some theater classes.
Thaddeus: That actually does sound like fun.
(they continue to talk as they walk off)
Act 3
Scene 8 (Optional potential scene of Dinah dumpster diving)
(Camera pans from people in street, sideways along brick alleyway wall, revealing an enlargement with a dumpster. Thaddeus stands next to the dumpster, Dinah’s head pops out of it)
Dinah: Hey Thaddeus, what’re you doing? Come on, help out!
Thaddeus: Sorry, I can’t really do that. It’s against my...beliefs.
Dinah: But there’s so much good stuff in here! Look at this. Don’t be a prude, Jesus wouldn’t scoff at recycling.
(Throws out a pizza box, a couple of crud-covered pieces slide out, and Thaddeus jumps back in revulsion.)
Thaddeus: No way. I get the point you’re trying to make, but I’m not eating that.
Dinah: Not that, silly. This! (Pulls out a multicolored umbrella, opens it and tosses it at Thaddeus.)
Thaddeus: (fumbles with it, instinctually puts it above his head) I’m having a tough time deciding if you’ve lived a sheltered life or a sad one. But you’re right, my priest told me I’m prideful and judgy. Maybe this is a chance to ground myself. (Starts rolling up a sleeve)
Dinah: (Putting matching umbrella hat on) Amen to that! Sometimes people tell me I’ve got my head in the clouds. But then I just put my feet on the ground and get to work, work, work for the lord. On his path!
(Water balloons from above explode onto Thaddeus’s umbrella, he and Dinah are protected. Thaddeus looks up at open window where two children are laughing then pull their heads in.)
Thaddeus: (shaking fist) Oooooh, you little creeps. Come down here and I’ll show you a thing or two!
Dinah: What good luck we found these awesome umbrellas! It must be providence!
Thaddeus: Yeah, providence. Wasn’t it providence that killed the cat?
Dinah: I’m not sure, maybe in context it did. Here, help me with this piece of wood!
(Dinah heaves nail-studded hunk of wood to dumpster edge)
Thaddeus: (grabs wood) This is such a trigger for me. But the way of life is suffering, so says Mr. Gordonstein.
(5 second cut to gordenstein in gridlock, car overheated, gets out, pops the hood to pouring steam and is all like “Ahh, noooo!”)(cuts back)
Dinah: Heave!
(They leverage wood out of dumpster, both ending up on the ground. Dinah scratches her arm on a nail.)
Dinah: Ow!
Thaddeus: Today’s name for providence is tetanus.
Dinah: Oh well, blessed be the weak and infirm. Let’s take up the cross! It’s time to picket for the lord!
Thaddeus: (helps Dinah up) I better help you get this home.
(Both drag wood away behind them heavily. Camera pans out/away/fades/cuts/whatever)
Scene 9
INT. Library. Cody enters and Delilah, Ollie, Tina, and two others are at a table with books and papers strewn about.
Delilah: Cody, there you are. Where were you? Never mind. We're trying to come up with a way to make an example out of Professor Gordonstein.
Cody: Oh yeah?
Tina: Settle a bet. We should be picketing him, right? Most of these books say protests happen all the time with picket signs.
Delilah: No, that's stupid. We gotta start a petition to get him removed and make a bunch of people sign it.
Tina: Picketing would make more of a scene.
Delilah: You're not wrong about that. If only there was a way to involve the professor. Like really make a public spectacle out of it.
Ollie (to Cody): What's the deal with you?
Cody: Oh, I just got out of a really intense bible study.
Delilah: Why? Oh right. I forgot you were a Christian.
Cody: Yeah, you'll never guess who was there.
Tina: Was it me?
Cody: What? No. What?
Ollie: Who was there?
Cody: Professor Gordonstien.
Delilah: Really?
Cody: Yeah, I called him out again, of course.
Tina: You go girl. What'd he say?
Delilah: No, shut up. Cody, is this bible study a regular thing?
Cody: Tri-weekly. Why?
Delilah: Where do you guys meet? Somewhere public?
Cody: The coffee shop. ....why though?
Delilah: Don't you see? You know where and when he's gonna be in a public place. We can get him!
Cody: What do you mean get him?
Delilah: Guys. What if we spray paint a swaztika on him? On his person?
Tina: Will that get him fired?
Delilah: I mean... probably not, but it'll be a big public spectacle. Everyone will hear about it. It'll send a clear message that if the faculty wants to alt-right nazis, they're not welcome by the paying students of this establishment!
Cody: ...Wait, you want to throw the first punch?
Delilah: What? No, no. Hate speech is the first punch. He already threw the first punch we're defending ourselves.
Tina: Yeah!
Ollie: Get him!
Cody: ...But then what? I mean, I want Ollie and others to be treated with the dignity of their own gender pronouns, but... that's technically compulsory speech. Who's going to enforce it?
Delilah: The school, if they know what's good for them.
Tina: Yeah!
Ollie: Get him!
Cody: So you're putting the school in charge of deciding what people have to say? I mean, how do we pump the breaks on that if it goes too far?
Delilah: What are you talking about? We're just talking about gender pronouns. We're talking about trans rights.
Cody: No, I know, and I completely agree, but... but what if the school makes people say other stuff they don't want to?
Delilah: Like what? Why would they do that?
Cody: I dunno.
Delilah: Are you having second thoughts about this?
Cody: No.
Delilah: ... tell you what. If you want you can sit this one out. If you want. It'd be better if we had all hands on deck, but if you're morally compromised.
Cody: I'm not.
Delilah: Glad to hear it. So swastikas.
Cody: Why that though? Why not just a petition?
Delilah: Because spectacle!
Tina: Yeah!
Ollie: Get him!
Delilah: Alright everyone, let's gather a bunch of spray paint and meet at my place this evening. We'll need to practice unloading the cans and spray painting a swastika on a moving target. We won't know the situation, or how many tries we'll get. Our best bet is to catch him by surprise. It doesn't have to be perfect.
(As Delilah is talking, the camera holds on Cody's face as she grows visibly more and more uncomfortable)
Scene 10
EXT. Outside of coffee shop, Dinah stops at the front wall with an arm full of signs, she tries to lean them upright against the wall, and they keep falling over. Kevin stops before approaching to take a deep breath and ask "what am I doing?" as someone passes in front of Dinah and scowls at the sign judgmentally. Dinah sees Kevin and smiles and waves. He smiles and waves back, sighs and walks over.
Dinah: You made it! Nobody else is here yet.
Kevin (counting on his fingers): Yeah, Thaddeus couldn't make it, Peter thought it was a conflict of interest for him, and Cody disagrees with the premise. I haven't talked to Lily, I'm actually not sure how to get ahold of her.
Dinah: She might show up. I guess it's just the two of us then for now.
Kevin: Well, if it's just the two of us... maybe we should put this on pause and come back to it when we've got a bigger group. Maybe we can slip inside and grab a cup of coffee, get to know each other better? Backpack across europe? Make a little spaghetti-
Dinah: Oh, but two people can make a difference! David and Goliath were just two people. They changed the world together.
Kevin: They did?
Dinah: I may have overdone it on the signs though.
Kevin: Oh, you can never have too many signs. That's what my grandpa used to say. He was a city planner in the 60's, and he hated long haired hippies. They wrote a song about him.
Dinah: The good news is, you can have your pick of the litter. (motions to pile of signs)
Kevin (reading verbose sign): "Those in favor of transgenderism also naturally support gender reassignment surgery as a legitimate medical procedure for individuals including children with gender dysphoria even though 70-80% of children who report having transgendered feelings come to lose such feelings, and even though individuals who undergo gender reassignment surgery are 20 times more likely to commit suicide than the general population. Can we reasonably categorize gender reassignment surgery as a medical procedure in the first place?" I think you might've exceeded Twitter's character limit. But in a good way.
Dinah: Do you think it's too long? I wasn't sure how to reduce it.
Kevin (Reading another): It's okay, it's alright. Maybe I pick another one though. You've got plenty of signs to choose from, how about.... "Tranny granny panties". Just as a heads up, are we trying to convert people or bully them?
Dinah (embarrassed): Oh no. I was just running out of ideas toward the end and so I started rhyming. We can just hide that one in a bush.
Kevin: Everything's fine. These can't all be duds. ... how about ... (picks up another sign) "God made Adam and Eve, not Jesse and Jordan"?
Dinah: They're both names that could be either boys or girls.
Kevin: Clever.
Dinah: Yay! I'll go with this one. (picks up sign) "John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt. That's HER name too!?"
Kevin (nods approvingly): more name jokes. Nice.
Dinah: Here's a stack of pamphlets. (Turns and starts waving the sign, chanting) HE! SHE! HIS! HERS! THERE ARE ONLY TWO GEN-DERS!
(people walking by, one says sarcastically "what year is it?")
Dinah: IT'S THE YEAR OF OUR LORD!
Kevin: Oop, my shoe's untied. (kneels down)
(Two girls walk up)
Girl1:Hey are you protesting trans rights?
Dinah: What of it?
Girl2: We're trans-exclusionary feminists. Want some company?
Dinah: Unlikely team up. Why are you trans exclusionary?
Girl1: Women are the superior sex. That statement is only possible in a gender binary.
Girl2: If gender is a spectrum, that statement fractures to the point of meaninglessness.
Girl1: Trans-women aren't women. They never will be. They're kidding themselves.
Girl2: Trans-men are traitors to the gender.
Dinah: Oh. Well, we're Christians.
Girl1: Oof, they're Christians. Should we still picket with them?
Kevin (standing up): Sorry that took so long. I like to challenge myself by trying new knots. To-day I picked a sailor's knot. To-morrow maybe I'll get the hang of the slipknot. See what I did there?
Girl1: Oh look, it's a male chauvinist pig.
Kevin: Thanks!
Girl1: That wasn't a compliment.
Kevin: If you didn't mean to compliment me, you shouldn't have compared me to bacon. You basically just called me delicious. Which I am.
Girl2: God called. He says you're not his gift to women.
Dinah: Aha! God called, he says you just admitted you believe in him!
Girl2: Oh, God called and.. .we gotta go.
Dinah (calling after them, increasingly louder): God called and he says he knitted you together in you MOTHERS WOMB AND HE LOVES YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE... oh rats. I almost had em.
Kevin: That's pretty discouraging. Maybe we should take five? Slip into the coffee shop, get to know each other better...
Dinah: Nonsense! We just got started! Let's keep chanting. HE! SHE! HIS! HERS! THERE ARE ONLY TWO GEN-DERS! HE! SHE! HIS! HERS! THERE ARE ONLY TWO GEN-DERS!
Kevin (sighs and joins): HE! SHE! HIS! HERS! THERE ARE ONLY TWO GEN-DERS! LOOK OUT A GOARD!
(Kevin and Dinah shield themselves with their signs as a squash flies at them)
Scene 11
Int. Hallway outside Peter's class.
Lily is waiting for Peter to exit. He does, acts surprised to see Lily.
Lily: Professor! Can I call you Professor? Would you prefer Mr. Gordonstein? Or Peter?
Peter: Anything's fine. How can I help you, Lily?
Lily: I thought that bible study went well. We all made friends. I'm happy about that.
Peter: That's great. I'm glad you made friends.
Lily: No WE made friends! Both of us! Including to each other! Peter and Lily, partners in crime!
Peter: Oh, um...
Lily: Do you feel less lonely now? You're not thinking about your wife?
Peter: Well I wasn't until you brought her up.
Lily: Oh, I'm sorry.
Peter: It's fine. What did you need?
Lily: Oh, I just wanted to check in and see how you were doing.
Peter: Oh, you really don't have to.
Lily: That's what friends do, right? Please, Peter. I've never had friends. I want to help.
Peter: ... I think I'm... going to be okay. Thank you for checking in on me, Lily.
Lily (smiles): This is nice. Who would've thought a jew and a german could be friends.
Peter (alarmed): Alllrriiggght, well, I've got a quick errand to run before bible study, so... I'll see you there?
Lily: Oh, I'll come with you! Where are we going?
Peter: Oh you don't need to-
Lily: I insist! Are we getting groceries? Hardware store? Coffee run?
Peter: The bible study is in a coffee shop.
Lily: That's why you're the boss.
(Peter rolls his eyes and continues walking, as Lily walks beside and starts telling a story about being homeschooled, audio fades out as the montage song fades in)
Scene 12 (montage of Dinah and Kevin picketing cut together with scenes of Delilah and company practicing spray painting swastika's and scenes of Peter and Lily walking and talking, set to a Christian song about perseverance through suffering)
Scene 13
EXT. Outside of coffee shop, After montage. Dinah is leaning on sign, Kevin is sitting down sticking a pocket knife into a squash. Pile of signs behind them.
Dinah: Are we really doing this THAT wrong?
Kevin: What, picketing? We're holding signs and shouting at people, I'd say that ticks all the boxes.
Dinah: We've had so many gourds thrown at us by passers by. Why do all these passers by even have gourds on them? And why are they so willing to throw them away just to express hatred?
Kevin: You see these gourds as an expression of hatred. I see them as free jack-o-lanterns and some pie later. (turns squash around to show Dinah the face he carved)
Dinah: Not one person converted to Christianity to-day because we were protesting gender pronouns. How can that be?
Kevin: How CAN that be?
Dinah: If nobody ever went to church after encountering Christians with signs on the sidewalk, we'd never see Christians with signs on the sidewalk. And we all know THAT's not true.
Kevin: Are you sure though?
Dinah: It must just be me. Oh Kevin, I really thought this was my calling. I thought I was on the right path. But I guess I'm not. Kevin, what if I don't have a path? What if I made God mad at me?
Kevin:... Dinah. (Rises to his feet and puts his hand on her shoulders) Can I be... (almost can't get the word out) honest with you? (Dinah nods) ... I do bad stuff all the time. Most of the time I want to, but sometimes... sometimes I'm just in the habit and I can't even help myself. You're trying to please God, he shouldn't be mad at you for that. If God's gonna be mad at anyone he should be mad at me. And maybe he is. But he hasn't stricken me down with lightning. Instead he... waved his magic wand and made me friends with you. (Dinah smiles reassured)
Dinah: I'm gonna go grab us a cup of coffee. (Starts to go in, turns back just before entering front door) You're a good friend, Kevin. (Goes inside)
Kevin: I'm a good friend.
(Peter and Lily approach front door)
Peter: Oh hey, it's Kevin. Looks like the picketing is still happening
Lily: Hey Kevin. Oh no! I forgot the picket was happening! Oh no! I'm such a terrible friend! Oh stupid stupid Lily! Where's Dinah?
Kevin: Inside getting coffee.
Peter (in Lily's ear): Go to her.
Lily: Right. (enters coffee shop)
Peter: I'm worried about her.
Kevin: She'll be fine. She's young.
Peter: You're the same age.
Kevin: I've grown a lot this afternoon.
Peter: Right. How's the protest going, anyways?
Kevin: Oh it's great. Can't you see all the free gourds we've gotten?
Peter (chuckles): Yeah, I figured. Hey... about Dinah. Be careful, okay?
Kevin: Me? You're telling me to be careful? Sir, you don't know me, but usually adults tell the girls to be careful with me. Not the other way around.
Peter: Put that bad boy act back in your pants, son. ...It's obvious you wouldn't be out here protesting trans-rights if it wasn't for that girl. For my money, you wouldn't have started that bible study either. Now I get it. I do. The right girl can make you do all manner of crazy things. But take it from me. If you meet a girl who can bat her eyelids and make you feel like you can pick up a sword and conquer a nation, rest assured, she can just as easily bat those eyelids and bring that sword right to your own throat.
Kevin: Woah dude. Is everything okay with you and your wife?
Peter: Just be careful. (enters coffee shop)
(Delilah rounds corner, sees Peter enter, puts phone to her ear)
Delilah: The professor is in the campus coffee shop. It's time. Let's do it.
Kevin: Do what?
Delilah (hanging up): None of your beeswax. Hey, aren't you that psychic?
Kevin: I have a twin.
Delilah: What are you protesting anyways?
Kevin: None of your beeswax.
Delilah: None of my beeswax what you're publically protesting?
Kevin: It's a silent protest.
Delilah (reading a sign): Jesse and Jordan? Are you protesting gays or lesbians? I can't tell.
Kevin: It's cause their both names that could be for either a boy or a girl. ...gender pronouns. We're protesting mandatory use of preferred gender pronouns for the college staff.
Delilah: Well that's horrible.
Kevin: Look (takes her by her shoulders) I agree, okay? I don't care about trans rights. If a Charles gets off work and wants to put on a dress by night and go by Charolette then... Chuck be a lady to-night. And even if I did care. Picket signs? Come on. A petition with a bunch of signatures would be WAY more effective. But here's the thing. See that girl in there? (Points into window, camera clips to Dinah at the counter ordering coffee) I like her. I'm out here for her. (clips back out) You're all about love is love, right? Then you can understand where I'm coming from, right? Do me a favor. Take this brochure. When she comes out, take it and say "thank you, I'll pray on it". So she can hear you. Please. You can do whatever you want with it after that, throw it in the trash, burn it, laugh at it with your friends, just... please. She needs a win right now.
(Dinah comes out with coffee, Delilah sees her friends approaching in bandit masks with plastic bags full of spray paint cans)
Delilah (takes brochure): Thanks. I'll pray about it. (Leaves, her and her friends enter coffee shop)
Dinah: Did that just happen?
Kevin: It sure did.
Dinah: Kevin, you did it!
Kevin: No, Dinah, we did it.
Dinah: Oh, I knew God didn't abandon us. Maybe you're right. Maybe God waved his magic wand and made us friends. Except, you know... obviously God doesn't use a magic wand.
Kevin: He doesn't?
Dinah: No?
Kevin: I thought he had a big beard and a big blue pointy hat and a wand?
Dinah: You think God looks like Merlin?
Kevin: Oooh, you're right, that's Merlin.
Dinah: What church did you say you went to again?
(Cody rushes up)
Cody: Did Delilah come through here already? Am I too late?
Dinah: Cody, what's wrong? What's going on?
Cody: They're gonna spray paint a swastika on- oh nuts, they're already in there! Aw, and there's Peter, shoot! (She dashes madly to the shop. Dinah and Kevin look at each other)
Dinah: Is it just me, or did our fight just move?
Kevin: Yeah, we should probably get in there.
(Both scramble into the coffee shop).
Scene 14
INT. Coffee shop.
(Cody sees her friends shaking a can of spray paint, sees Peter turning around too slowly to react or get out of the way, Cody dives in front of Peter in slow motion as the paint begins to fly. Cody is hit with the paint, sparing Peter, Delilah is shaking her head horrified that she's hitting Cody, shaking her hand in a zig zag pattern, but unable to stop in time. Cody falls to the floor with a visible swastika on her clothes in spray paint. Delilah, normal speed, leaps down and scoops her fallen body into her arms, reminiscent of a war movie. The Bible Study crew all clump together behind Peter, with Thaddeus and Kevin in the back.)
Delilah (horrified, crying): Why did you do that!? What were you thinking!? I had him!
Cody (coughing): Because... Because we had it wrong, Delilah.
Deliliah: But he's the enemy!
Cody: We don't win by fighting... against the things we hate... we win by protecting... the things we love...
Delilah (sniffling): Oh you daft, crazy, heroic idiot. You sacrificed everything. Your clothes... (pause long enough to make it clear that's the only thing on the list)
Cody: You can ruin... my clothes... but you can't... ruin an idea....
Delilah (sobbing): I can't believe you did that! You beautiful idiot! You understand I'm still gonna have to shoot him, don't you? With paint? You took a swastika to the chest for nothing?
Cody: Oh like hell. (Cody stands up perfectly fine)
Delilah (also perfectly fine, venire of war movie sacrifice scene shattered): So this is the way it's gonna be, huh? I knew that religion disease of yours was gonna be a problem to the sisterhood! So be it!
Cody: I still stand with the sisterhood. But I'm sorry, this isn't the way to do it. We can't throw the first punch!
Delilah: He threw the first punch! Refusing to treat oppressed groups with the dignity of their own gender is an act of violence!
Cody: The school board and the state aren't gonna see it that way.
Delilah: We'll make them see it that way! We're activists! We're standing up for the oppressed! We're in the right, we'll make them see it that way!
Cody: I don't see it that way.
Delilah: Stand down.
Cody: No.
Delilah: Stand down!
Cody: No!
Thaddeus (calling from the back of the bible study clump): Have you considered that this is stupid and lame?!
Peter: Delilah, don't do this. I'm a history teacher, trust me. The path you're on, creating a class of protected people who you're not allowed to offend, it doesn't end the bourgeoisie, it just creates new bourgeoisie.
Delilah (shaking can): Desperate pleas of a cornered bigot.
Kevin (whispering): Thaddeus! What do I do? I feel like I should do something?
Thaddeus (whispering): What?
Kevin (whispering): What would a Christian do in this situation?
Thaddeus (whispering): You're not a Christian.
Kevin (Whispering): I know, but what would Jesus do? Or one of the saints? Like Ghandi?
Thaddeus (Whispering): They'd be themselves and tell the truth.
Kevin (Whispering): Shoot, I can only do one of those things at a time.
Thaddeus (Whispering): Are you serious?
Kevin (Whispering): You're right, Thaddeus. I don't know if I can solve this like a Christian. But I'm totally rad at being Kevin Wosniac.
Thaddeus (Whispering): You don't have to solve this at all. Your last name is Wosniac?
Kevin: Here I go!
(Kevin leaps onto coffee shop counter and takes mic headset off of barrister)
Kevin: Mind if I borrow this? Attention please! Can I have your attention please? Is this thing on? (Everyone is looking at Kevin. He taps the mic.)
Barrister: That's for the drivethru.
Kevin (gives it back): That's okay, I'll project!
Kevin: Ladies and gentlemen and everything in between, I stand before you to-day to humbly tell you that you're not ladies and gentlemen and everything in between. I look out at the folks in this coffee shop to-day and I don't see people, I see coffee. Some of us are made up of darker stuff than others. Some of us are more fancy. But we're all a little bitter. And the fact is, the only way we're even tolerable is if we learn to blend together a little. Like a fancy coffee milkshake. I just had a bible study with a group of very interesting people. Five other Christians besides me, who's totally a Christian, ask anybody. And they all had different brands of Christianity, and WILDLY different internal social philosophies. But we all put our differences aside and studied the same book. And if they can do that, maybe we can all put our differences aside and share a coffee shop without graffiti-ing each other's clothing? After all, in the end, you don't have to get along with your neighbors and agree with them about everything to achieve peace. You just have to live next to each other. And refrain from painting swastikas on their torsos. That's my dream. What's yours?
Thaddeus: Ecumenism is a heresy.
Kevin: Thaddeus, why do you hate me? Who's side are you even on? (A gourd flies past Kevin from somewhere in the coffee shop) Another gourd? Seriously? Where is everyone getting gourds from? They're not in season.
Delilah: You know what, we're out of here. This dude made it weird. But this isn't over. (Delilah and company leave the shop).
Peter (to Cody): Thank you.
Cody: This doesn't mean I'm cool with your plight.
Peter: No, I get it.
Cody: It does mean I understand your plight though. We can probably be friends.
Kevin (hopping down from the counter with a gourd in hand): Well, folks, I call that an absolute win.
Cody: They're not done. They meant that.
Thaddeus: Yeah I dunno...
Dinah: Hey, I thought you did amazing. I just stood there frozen. But you did something! You're kind of my hero right now.
Keven (smugly): Yeah... (not smugly) wait really?
Peter: I think it'll be alright. Punk kids with paint cans are nothing new. Punk kids with paint cans who want to make the world a better place? That's pretty new, even if they're misguided about it. It's a good sign, hopefully.
Dinah: Oh my goodness! That's me! I've been trying to be an activist all afternoon just like they are! And I've been getting nowhere! I thought pointing out people's sins to them would make them realize just how much they needed Christ. I might as well have been spray painting swastikas on their clothes in the name of love! Kevin!
Kevin: huh?
Dinah: New plan.
Kevin (nervously): Yyyeah??
Dinah: We're gonna volunteer at a soup kitchen.
Kevin: Greaaaat.
Dinah: But first... since we're all here, how about a bible study?
(All conquer)
Thaddeus: We should read Amos.
(All groan)
Lily: Not Amos, come on.
Cody: You're such a hipster.
Thaddeus (laughing): C'mon! It's not hipster! It's relevant! (More groans, coffee sleeves are thrown at him, he keeps smiling) Why is everyone hating on my boy Amos?
-------
