For reference

 FOR REFERENCE.  

Act 1. Inciting incident

Scene 1. Kevin almost gets caught fortune telling on campus, escapes to bulletin board, meets Ruth, flirts and fakes starting a bible study.

b. Thaddeus warns Kevin about fortune telling, becomes unwitting accomplice, witnesses Kevin trying to get alone time with girl by lying, agrees to go to fake bible study.

c. Peter is teaching class, clearly disgruntled about something, barely into it, keeps referencing wife negatively, when Cody asks a question that derails him into a passionate rant about PC culture capping off the class.  PC student sees him after class (while Cody is still sitting there, encouraging her), and she starts telling him off, but he stands his ground about it.  Cody gets mad, calls him a name and leaves.

d. Lily and Ruth discuss their respective goals somehow organically (come up with something interesting), Ruth wants to get out and make a difference for Christ and evangelize the world, and Lily wants to, I dunno, take back Constantinople or something crazy weird like that.  Or maybe make the "meet cute" interesting enough so that Ruth's desires take precedent and come out of her organically, while Lily just comes off like a normal quiet homeschool girl.  That way the next scene she's in has more of an impact.

2. Fun and games

a. Kevin stalks Thaddeus outside of class, catches him on the way out, outs himself as a con man, tries to convince Thaddeus not to out him to Annie, explaining his backwards morality for fortune telling, and offering to help him get a girlfriend through training in the fortune telling arts,

b. Thaddeus is put off by Kevin and the longer he talks to him the more superior he feels, and he has flashbacks to people telling him he's pretentious and judgmental, and decides to befriend Kevin, and even agrees to keep quiet about his lack of Christianity mostly because he's pretty sure he's gonna strike out all on his own.

c. The PC student escalated the issue with Peter to the school board.  Peter has one-sided conversation with another student, Lily, afterwards when he's supposed to be discussing her weirdly gorey paper-mache depiction of the crusades, and talks himself into getting involved in one of the student groups, leading them both to the fake bible study flyer somehow.

d. Lilu also has one sided conversation with herself in Kevin Sorbo's office about her problems connecting with people and making friends, but with significantly less self-awareness than Kevin Sorbo.

e. Cody is idle as a few other PC people who have a stink on Peter plan to retaliate in some way.  Cody asks moral question, but is mocked for it, and she apologizes and goes back to just listening.

f.  Lily meets up with Ruth, Ruth tells her about bible study, and they both overhear part of the PC conversation and Ruth decides based on half information to fight for THAT cause in some way.

2.5. Midpoint

--Study group, exploring characters against each other, mostly via banter, jokes and completely failing to stay on the bible study topic; Outing their denominations, with noticeable tension between Cody and Peter.  Peter leaks details about his external conflict.  Peter and Cody have it outs a little, and Kevin starts to side with Cody, but when Ruth sides with Peter and adds the extra intention of doing something about it, Kevin switches gears to support Peter as well.  Cody backs off when Peter explains himself sufficiently.  Kevin agrees to join Ruth as she pickets.

3. Enemies close in

a. Scene where Ruth and Kevin are picketing, and encounter hardships for it (get spat on, etc).  Ruth stays positive, Kevin continues faking Christianity, but begins to ask what he got himself into with this girl.

b. Cody walks in on her PC friends in the middle of preparing for a bit of a "demonstration" wherin they make an example out of Peter.  Cody tries to talk them down, insisting that they had him wrong, or at least that they're going too far pegging him as a white supremacist.  They mock her more, and insist that these things need to be nipped in the bud, and use Ruth and Kevin as an example that white supremacists are already taking hold on the campus.  She leaves.

c.  Lily encounters Peter on campus on the way to coffee shop, and begins to talk his ear off about making new friends and belonging somewhere, and Peter becomes exacerbated.  Tries giving her advice, but she completely misunderstands it. 

d. Montage of Kevin and Ruth picketing and getting abuse for it, in absurd and unlikely ways, preferably to the tune of a syrupy Christian song about facing persecution.

e. Thaddeus approaches Kevin and Ruth, and has a double speak conversation to Kevin (so that Ruth doesn't catch on) about how all the lying is working out for him.  Kevin doubles down on his commitment, and offers a stack of leaflets to Thaddeus who refuses to picket and goes inside coffee shop.  Peter and Lily also pass with a greeting.  Ruth gets discouraged, and goes inside to grab a quick coffee for the two of them.

f.  A PC person, one of Cody's friends, stops to lay it on Kevin, but he quickly turns it around, admits he thinks she's right, but points at Ruth, confesses he really likes her and appeals to her "love is love" mentality, begging her to take a leaflet and pretend she's going home with it to say the sinner's prayer or whatever, so that Ruth will see and get encouraged.  PC person reluctantly agrees.  Ruth sees and is encouraged.  PC person is met with other PC people who collectively enter the coffee shop.  Cody runs up and is spooked that it's too late, and runs inside.  Kevin and Ruth decide the *real* protest is probably inside the coffee shop.

4. Resolution

a. PC students throw coffee on Peter, stunning him and Lily who is still pestering him, and begin slow motion shaking a spray paint can; Cody sees and slow motion yells "NOOO" as she leaps in front of it taking the bulk of the spray paint.  The PC students call her a traitor.  Most of the staff and other patrons back against a wall or out of the way watching the scene take place; the room is now divided between Cody's PC friends and the Bible Study crew.  Cody sticks up for Peter one last time, and Peter jumps in on his own behalf, mostly speaking as a faculty member, encouraging everyone as students to deescalate the whole situation.  The PC students refuse, telling Cody to step aside or get covered in spray paint Nazi symbols along with Peter.  Cody stands her ground, and Lily and Ruth join her. 

b. Kevin whispers to Thaddeus asking what a Christian would do in this situation.  Thaddeus responds that "you're not a Christian, stop acting like one", and Kevin whispers "you're right.  This isn't a job for Kevin the Christian, it's a job for Kevin the sleeze-ball."  Thaddeus starts to say that's not what he meant, but

c. Kevin jumps up on the counter and "borrows" a headset from one of the baristas and starts to make a speech, but realizes the mic isn't on, and the barista informs him that it's for the drive through.  He says "that's okay, I'll just project", and proceeds to make what he THINKS is a compelling "we're not so different/can't we all just get along" speech, but he keeps kissing the butts of the PC-crew then turning around and stage whisper kissing the Bible Study crew's butts like "everyone knows you're the best!" then turns and stage whispers "not really, you guys are the best, I'm just saying that to them" but everyone can hear him doing that, and aren't really amused.  In the end, the PC-crew leaves without spray painting anyone, Kevin calls it a success, but the conflict isn't *really* resolved.

d. Bible study closing scene with much more fun banter than the first scene, now that they all know each other and are on the same team.  Thaddeus finally asks if they're actually gonna study any bible.  

Kevin

Wants: Girl

Goes to get: Lies about starting a bible study

Gets: Bible study occurs

Pays the price: But there's a bunch of other people there, and also he has to picket for a cause he doesn't support and is ridiculed publically for it.

Returns: Accepts his commitment to an actual regular bible study, and doubles down on trying to win the girl over.

Having changed: Stands up in support of Peter with rest of group in solidarity

Peter

Wants: To be honest about his feelings

Goes to get: Goes on inappropriate PC rant in class

Gets: Catharsis in having an honest position on something he cares about and standing for something

Pays the price: Is now in direct conflict with school board and facets student culture.

Returns: Amasses solidarity in new friends, and is able to keep teaching (for now)

Having changed: Finds community and purpose in the student bible study group

Ruth

Wants: To make a difference for Christ

Goes to get: Joins Bible Study group, starts protest

Gets: Protests with someone else

Pays the price: Is ridiculed and learns it's not as easy as having people line up for baptism on the streets.

Returns: Sees just one person take a leaflet from Kevin, who she is encouraged is also on her side.

Having changed: Learns to go help where the conflict is already happening instead of creating new conflict out of thin air.

Cody

Wants: To do things differently, live a changed life, and help people

Goes to get: Speaks up in class about perceived oppressed group

Gets: Ruth's attention, Peter ignited to his cause, and invited to bible study with them both

Pays the price: Is put in her place, and has to recontextualize herself, learns who her real friends are

Returns: Stands with group for Peter despite differences

Having changed: Has changed her mind about "the enemy"

Lily

Wants: To make friends, and retake Constantinople

Goes to get: Latches onto Ruth and Peter, despite being rather tone-deaf about it

Gets: invited to study

Pays the price: Unclear; sees divisions in group

Returns: Stands up for new friends at coffee shop in solidarity

Having changed: has friends now

Thaddeus

Wants: To be right, and also to make sure Ruth doesn't get taken advantage of by Kevin

Goes to get: Puts himself in situations surrounded by people he thinks are wrong, and attempts to be right around them, by going to bible study group

Gets: Into a bible study group surrounded by heterodox Christians and one wolf in sheeps clothing

Pays the price: Realizes he's flawed and wrong about things he needs to overcome, and that his new friends have plenty of things right about them.

Returns: Stands up for Peter despite differences

Having changed: Identifies with new friends, and unlikely friendship with Kevin who is the only other non-protestant in the group.

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bible study

 FOR  

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Script starts here.

Act 1

Scene 1

EXT., college campus hallway

Dinah and Lily are walking side by side, on a cleared path toward the camera, while the illusion of bustling students lines the path, and bustles behind them.)

 

Dinah: Christian college.  The last transition period before this generation really takes over civilization.  It's not a perfect civilization, it's broken, and becoming more godless by the minute.  But at least if we have to pay our dues in an ideological battle ground, risking secular brainwashing, we can do it in a college that still has the word "Christian" in the title, right?  Not that this place is immune to winds of false doctrine either, but at least here you can still take a religious studies class with the correct bias.

Lily: My dad says I should put on my full armor of God, and not talk to any boys, or girls with false hair colors.  Or anyone who owns a bird.  Or a snake.  Or video games.  Or coffee stained teeth.  Or any CDs by the popular liberal rock and roll band known as the Beatles.

Dinah:  Who are you again?

Lily: I'm Lily.  You just started talking to me because we were walking in the same direction.  But I don't mind.  Please keep talking to me.

Dinah:  Nice to meet you, Lily.  My name is Dinah.

Lily:  Like the way people with a southern drawl, say diner?  (mimicking voice) Welcome to the dinah.  Would you like to try the special, dah-lin' ?

Dinah: That's not usually the pneumonic tool people use to remember my name. Which is a good thing.  I suppose we can be friends. 

Lily (whispers): yesssss.

Dinah: Do you know of any campus bible studies?

Lily (whispers): Noooooo... 

Dinah: That's okay, we'll find one.  Oh, we'd better keep a wide berth of these guys.  They're the resident social justice warriors.  I don't want any trouble. 

Lily: They look like they listen to the Beatles.  Or worse... the Beach Boys. 

(Camera pans to Delilah and Cody and two others, gathering around Ollie, who is visibly upset)

Cody: Ollie, what's wrong?

Ollie: Cody!  Delilah!  Aren't you two taking a class with professor Gordonstein this semester?

Delilah: Yeah? 

Cody: A history class.  Why, what's up?

Ollie (looks to the left and right, dramatically leans in): He's a transphobic.

Delilah: Woah, that's some pretty heavy language.  Are you sure?

Ollie: Of course I'm sure!  I'm a trans, you don't think I'd know? 

Cody:  Well, what did he do?

Ollie: You know that gender diversity development program the school just implemented?  

Delilah: Yeah?

Ollie: Gordenstien just came out against it.  Publicly.

Cody:  Seriously?  Why?

Ollie:  Because he's a transphobic.  Dur.  And probably homophobic and... I dunno, woman-phobic?

Delilah: Chauvinist?

Ollie: No thanks, I just ate.

Cody:  Yeah, but... is that it?  He just hates transexuals?  It's that simple?

Ollie:  Yes.  It is that simple.  Welcome to the culture wars.  He's a hostile.  He doesn't recognize me or anyone like me as legitimate.  It's systemic oppression.

Delilah: That's pretty rude.  He's supposed to be a teacher.  What kind of example does that set?

Cody:  Yeah!

Delilah: Stinky good ole boy Christian professors stuck in the past days of this institution where they have no place.  Get with the times.  

Cody: Well, I'm a Christian.

Delilah: Yeah, and he probably sees us progressives as a threat to his- Wait really? You're a Christian?

Ollie:  You are?

Cody: ...yeah?  Is that a problem?

Delilah: No, no, of course not.  

Cody:  Okay.

Delilah:  Just.... I mean it's not a problem for you, is it?  Like, you're still on Ollie's side?  Professor Gordenstein is a transphobic, right?

Cody:  Don't worry.  I know where my priorities are.  Ollie is our friend who is being oppressed. 

Delilah:  Good, you had me worried there.  Don't worry, Ollie, we'll make it our business to bring that professor down a peg.

Tina (entering): Better bring him down a peg fast.  Saturn is in Vertigo.

Cody:  What?  No it's not. 

Tina:  How do you know?

Cody: I'm no astrologist, but I'm reasonably sure that vertigo is not a constellation. 

Tina:  It is according to the white guy doing the fortune telling by the cafeteria.

(Cut to a close up of a crystal ball, pan out to reveal Kevin in a turban, behind a table with fortune telling stuff, a line forming with two young women in front.)

Kevin: Step right up!  One and all!  And let the great and powerful Orgaznificent reveal to you your sexy fortune!  What does this semester have to offer?  Is it danger?  Romance?  True love?  Or all of the above?  How about you there? (girls giggle)  What does the crystal ball have in store for you?  (rubs ball seductively) Perhaps you're looking for... romance? (girls giggle) In fact, if I'm reading this accurately, you may find yourself on a handsome date with a handsome man as early as... to-night!  With a handsome handsome man who is wearing... a step counter??  But I'M wearing a step counter!  Could it be MY fortune is ALSO getting told right now?  Which one of you ladies does this fortune belong to?  (leans in)  or is it both?  (girls giggle)

Girl1: That depends.

Girl2: What do you need a step counter for?

Kevin: Well.. call me a sap, but... I'm just counting the steps till I find true love.

Girl1 (giggles): That's really dumb.

Kevin: But in a cute way, right?

Thaddeus (approaches behind table): Hey, I don't mean to ruin the moment here, but did you know this whole setup you got going here is against school policy?

Kevin: What are you, some kind of narc?

Thaddeus: Quite the opposite.  There's a professor coming this way.  I assume you'd rather avoid getting caught.

Kevin: Oh snap! Take this!  (tosses Thaddeus crystal ball, puts turban on his head, wraps up everything in table cloth like a bag) Run!

Thaddeus:  OH!  Uh... (runs after Kevin)

(Peter enters on phone, stops behind table)

Peter:  Come on, can't we talk about this?  ..... Mmmhmm.  ... yeah but... but we can work this out, it's just a little obstacle, it's not insurmountable...  Did Sarah give up on Abraham?  ..... no I don't have a covenant with God, but I have faith in God, and I have a covenant with you!. ... no please schnookums, don't hang up, wait.. ARGH!  She hung up.  (turns to people still standing in line for Kevin)  What are you all standing in line for?

Girl1: People's motivations are complex and change over time.

Peter: That's very wise.  You are not wrong.  (Exits)

Scene 2

INT. Bulletin board in school hallway.

(Kevin and Thaddeus stop running in front of bulletin board)

Kevin:  Phew!  That was a close one!  We really gave them the slip, didn't we....

Thaddeus: Thaddeus.  And there's not really any "we" here.  I didn't mean to get this involved in your schtick.

Kevin: Don't be so hard on yourself, buddy!  I think we made a great team out there. 

Thaddeus: Oh, no I wasn't-

Kevin: Thaddeus and Kevin! partners in crime!  Can't you just see it?  My name is Kevin, by the way.

Thaddeus:  Are you telling me your legal name isn't the Great Orgasnificent? 

Kevin: Look, obviously I'm putting on a show for the ladies.  You know that, I know that... even the ladies know that.  That's how the game is played.  Nobody's getting fooled that doesn't wanna be fooled.  And in this day and age, sometimes the only good way to have fun playing the game is to let yourself be fooled.  To get lost in the immersion.  That's where I come in.  I am... the dungeon master in this D&D game of romance.  I am the worldbuilder of women's fantasies. 

Thaddeus:  You're talking so confidently, but it's just... garbage.

Kevin:  Shhh!  A wild gru approaches!

(Dinah walks up)

Kevin:  Enchante, mon cher.  Ne me quitte pas.  That's a nice copy of Moby Dick you got there.  May I take it you're looking for your own... white... whale (to Thaddeus who started making faces like "what are you about to say") yes I know.  I realized what I was about to say too, and I immediately regret it.

Dinah:  Actually, there's a flyer behind you I'm looking at?  For the bible study?

Kevin: Oh, you're looking for a Bible study?  (reaches behind him and pulls flyer off wall)  This just happens to be mine.  Except, we've changed addresses.  We're now (pulls feather out of turban on Thaddeus's head to reveal its a pen, and scribbles out address and writes new one) here.

Dinah: Oh how delightful!  It's providence I ran into you. 

Kevin: Haha, yeah, that's why they call me Mr. Providence.

Thaddeus: They also call him Orgaznificent.

Dinah:  What?

Kevin: Nothing.  He's joking.  So I'll see you there?  Little bible study?  Crack open our bibles?  Light some candles?  Get cozy?   Make some... (suggestively) disciples?

Dinah:  Yeah, I'll be there for sure!  (to Thaddeus) Will you be there too?

Thaddeus:  Yes.

Kevin: Oh, but Thaddeus, don't you have that thing that day? 

Thaddeus: I cancelled that thing.

Kevin:  Are you sure?  It seemed important to your dad.

Thaddeus:  I talked to my dad, he said son, you should totally go to bible study with your best friend Kevin.

Dinah: Aww you guys are best friends?

Thaddeus: that's us!  Thaddeus and Kevin, partners in crime.

Dinah: Oh, you have a catchphrase.

Thaddeus: And what kind of partner would I be if I abandoned my pal into the throws of temptation?

Kevin: Temptation?

Thaddeus: Sure!  A young man and a young woman?  Alone together?  What will people think?

Kevin: They'll think Thaddeus puts his family first and that his best friend Kevin and their new friend...?

Dinah: Dinah.

Kevin: And their new friend Dinah are praying for the both of them at bible study.

Thaddeus:  Nonsense.  I'll be there!

Dinah:  Delightful!  I'll see you there!  (exits)

Kevin: What was that?  I thought you didn't want to get involved in my schtick?

Thaddeus: Don't be so hard on yourself!  I think we made a great team.  (Exits)

Scene 3 

(classroom scene with Peter and Cody and Delilah)

Scene 4

EXT. Hallway outside of Peter's class.

(The bell rings, everybody leaves class.  Kevin catches up to Thaddeus in the hallway.)

Kevin:  Hey hey hey, Thads.  Thad.  Can I call you Thad?  Tad?  What do you go by.

Thaddeus:  Thaddeus is my baptismal name.  I prefer the whole thing.

Kevin:  Ugh, but it's a long name and I'm so lazy.  Hey!  Stop going so fast!

Thaddeus:  My next class is all the way across campus.  What are you even doing here?  What do you want?

Kevin:  What do you mean?  Can't a guy come see his best friend in between class?

Thaddeus:  Best friend?  Are we still going with that?  Your new crush isn't around, you don't have to play that game.

Kevin:  Oh come, now, you insult me.

Thaddeus:  You're right.  New crush implies you actually care about this girl.

Kevin:  Okay, NOW you insult me.  But we ARE friends.  We're basically wingmen.  Killing it with the ladies since we met!

Thaddeus:  We met a couple of hours ago.  And on what planet does that socially engineered debacle count as "killing it with the ladies"?  Whatever.  I'm not your wingman.

Kevin:  What are you a coward?

Thaddeus (whipping around): What did you call me?

Kevin: A Coward.  Like job. (pronouncing it like job as in employment)

Thaddeus:  Job?

Kevin:  From the Bible.  Job.  You know?  Job?  He was that dude that kept messing up the devil's sale?  By getting scared and hiding in a cave with his buddies?  

Thaddeus:  Are you talking about Job (pronouncing it correctly)?

Kevin: Yeah, him.  

Thaddeus: I think you read that book incorrectly.

Kevin: I skimmed it while you were in class.  But enough about me, let's talk about you.  What's your favorite Bible verse.

Thaddeus:  I don't really have a favorite.

Kevin:  Just pick one.

Thaddeus: Um... How about second Corinthians 10:4.  "The weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds."

Kevin:  Great, let's give it a spin.

Thaddeus:  Give what a spin?

Kevin (to passing girls): Heyy, ladies!  Have you heard of the weapons of the warfare of God?

Girl1: Pshhh, yeah, totally.  What's it to you?

Kevin (meekly): It's just... I feel like all these spiritual bullets are trying to get to me, and I don't know how to use God to protect my mighty strongholds.  And this guy here (points at Thaddeus) says that my defenses are carnal and are gonna get pulled down.

Girl2 (Aggressively to Thaddeus): What's that, dude?  You're trying to push this guy around?  You think you're a big tough bully?

Thaddeus (nervously): I think my... friend.. here misunderstood.  I was teaching him about second Corinthians 10:4.

Girl3: And that's what he came up with?  Oh, how cuuuute.  He's learning.

Girls 1,2 & 3: Awwww (fixing Kevin's hair)

Kevin: I just get so confwoozed.  Whatever can lil ol me do?  Can you girls teach me?

Thaddeus (Slipping in and sliding arm around Kevin's neck): He's making tons of progress.  How about we skip off to our Theological ETHICS class, ay, Orgaznificent?

Kevin: What's the rush?  

Girl1: Wait, did you say Orgaznificent?

Girl2: Hey, yeah, Aren't you that guy with the turban outside the cafeteria this morning?

Kevin: On second thought, look at the time!  We'd better hurry, the class is all the way across campus!  (Yanks Thaddeus away from girls)

Kevin: Good grief Thaddeus.  I didn't know I'd have to train my new wingman up from scratch.

Thaddeus: I'm not your wingman.  

Kevin: Of course you are.  You're winging me with that girl at the bible study, right?

Thaddeus:  I'm going to that bible study because you're a menace.  

Kevin: Oh, and what would you have me do?  Huh? 

Thaddeus:  Go and tell her the truth.  Or stand her up.  Either way is morally better than lying.

Kevin (mocking Thaddeus) EiTher WAY is MOrAllY BeTtEr ThAn lYiNg!  You're the menace!  We'll continue this discussion after your next class.

Thaddeus:  Or you could leave me alone!

Kevin:  You could leave ME alone!

Thaddeus: NEVER!

Kevin (pleasantly): Then we have a stalemate. 

Thaddeus (shaking Kevin's hand): Indeed we do.  See you after class.

Kevin:  I look forward to it.

(both exit)

Scene 5

INT. Peter's classroom.

Lily approaches Peter's desk.  Peter is sitting behind it jotting something down.

Peter: Have a seat Lily.  (Lily sits)  I wanted to talk to you about your essay,

Lily:  My essay?

Peter:  Yes.  You said you were writing about the correlation between the Great Depression and the fall of the Wiemar Republic.  What you've turned in instead is (pulls diarama from behind desk) this disturbing diorama of Nazis dressed as crusaders crucifying what appears to be Adolf Hitler dressed as an Ottoman Turk.  It's rather well done, but the message is confusing.  And it wasn't your original assignment.

Lily:  Oh I see.  I apologize, Professor.  I guess I've been a little distracted.

Peter:  I understand distraction.  I've had a lot going on myself.  But you can't let your grades get away from you this early in the year.

Lily:  How do you make friends?

Peter:  I beg your pardon?

Lily:  I don't know how to make friends.  I try, but I think I'm coming across as off-putting.  I was home schooled, so I haven't had a lot of practice.

Peter:  I see, well the campus has a number of groups that you can-

Lily:  Have you ever felt lonely, Professor Gordenstien?

Peter:  Uh.. sure.

Lily:  When?

Peter (looks at a photo of his wife):  It's not really important.  What's important is your essay.

Lily:  Who was she?

Peter:  I'm willing to make an extension on your essay.  Perhaps if you join any number of on campus study groups, you could kill two birds with one stone.

Lily:  Is that what you do when you miss her?  Go to an on campus group?

Peter: When I miss her, I call her.  Please stay focused.

Lily:  Oh, she's alive?

Peter (Sobbing very suddenly):  Yes!  She's alive and she's leaving me!  I wanted kids and she wanted kids, but now she can't have kids, and she's trying to set me free, but I don't wanna be free, Lily!  I don't wanna be free!  I wanna stay!  I wanna be with her and figure it out!  We could adopt!  Or we could, I dunno, artificially inseminate a volunteer womb.  It's just not fair!  I should have a say in this!

Lily:  You should go to her.

Peter:  It's not that simple.

Lily:  Why not?

Peter:  Because I'm at work.

Lily:  Hmm, that is a conundrum.  This girl outside gave me this flyer for a bible study.  Maybe you should go to that?  Maybe the bible has the answers?

Peter:  I haven't been to a bible study in a long time.

Lily:  My dad says consistent bible study groups are a natural social stabilizer.  They keep everyone on the same page, and make it easier to unify in case of a demonic threat.

Peter: Your dad sounds like a wise man.

Lily: One time I peeked in on one of my dad's bible studies, and everyone was in black face.

Peter: ...I'm sorry, what?

Lily: They were standing in two rows with candles, and my dad was in the middle reading the genealogies from first chronicles.

Peter:  Stop.  I don't need to know more.  Just have your essay ready by next week, alright?  Email me if you're having trouble, perhaps I can point you in the direction of some relevant study materials.  I want to see you succeed, alright, Lily?  You have a lot of potential.

Lily:  I'll do my best not to let you down professor.  (exits)

Peter (begins to call after her in vain): Oh, you left your... bible study flyer.  (He turns it around and reads it)

Act 2

Scene 6

EXT. Coffee shop, (note: name the coffee shop (ideas: 42Perk after the band, Hummingbird café like from AIPT)), Kevin and Thaddeus approach.  Shots are just outside the door, and you can see inside when they look inside.

Kevin (stalling): Here we are.  At the bible study.  Now's your chance, if you wanna be a bro and leave.

Thaddeus:  A bro? 

Kevin: Short for... a brother in Christ?

Thaddeus:  Oh, when did you get baptized?

(Kevin squeezes a water bottle over his head)

Thaddeus: Bruh.

Kevin (finger guns): a bruh... in Christ?

Thaddeus: Let's just go in.  I need some caffeine.

(Thaddeus opens doors to reveal Peter, Cody and Lily are at a large table with bibles.  Peter asks "you guys here for the bible study?"  Kevin pulls Thaddeus to the side of the door)

Kevin: Ok, so apparently there's an actual bible study here.  New plan.  You go in, and I'll leave.  Tell Dinah...

Dinah (approaching behind Kevin):  Tell me what?

Kevin (reacting, surprised by Dinah): Tell Dinah... that I'm... So excited to start this bible study session!

Dinah:  I'm excited too!  I love not being the only one who's excited about something!  I'll see you in there!  (Dinah enters the coffee shop)

Kevin (to Thaddeus): Okay, new plan 2: electric boogaloo.  You're pretty familiar with the bible, right?

Thaddeus:  I mean, I've read it...

Kevin: Woah, the whole thing?

Thaddeus: ...Yeah?

Kevin:  Even the really boring parts with Tom Bombadil?

Thaddeus:  What?  That's not... Yeah, no, I totally read the parts with Tom... Bombadil. 

Kevin: That's impressive.  You impress me. 

Thaddeus: You impress me too, in your own way.

Kevin: Nice. Here's the plan.  We both go in. You and I sit next to each other.  You help me sound like I know what I'm talking about.  Alright?  Thaddeus and Kevin?  Partners in crime?

Thaddeus:  Please don't tell me we're gonna keep calling ourselves partners in crime.

Kevin:  You're right.  I'm baptized now.  We're brothers in crime.

Thaddeus:  You were NOT baptized.  That's not how this works.

Kevin:  Let's do it!  Wait.  Do you have an extra bible. 

Thaddeus:  Ugh.  We can share.  Maybe you'll learn something.

INT. Coffee shop.  Thaddeus and Kevin enter and take their seats next to each other, at a table with Peter, Lily, Dinah and Cody. 

Peter: It's five past.  Does anyone know who's leading this thing?

Lily (raises hand):  Is it Jesus?

Dinah: Actually, our wonderful new friend Kevin started this group.

Kevin:  Oh, uh.. . yes, I started this.  Sorry I'm late.

Cody:  What are we gonna start with?  Do we have study books or printouts we're gonna go over?

Kevin:  No, I thought we'd just start... reading it. 

(General murmuring reactions)

Cody:  That's pretty hardcore.  I like your style.

Kevin (whispers to Thaddeus):  Is that not how things are normally done?  Like in a book club?  (Thaddeus shrugs)  Have you ever been to a bible study?  (Thaddeus shakes his head)

Peter:  Why don't we open with a word of prayer?  Kevin?

Kevin:  Uh, okay.  (Folds hands and closes eyes, all do likewise, Thaddeus crosses himself).  Lord, you... uh... Lord you made the lion and the lamb.  You decreed I should be what I am.  Would it spoil some vast, eternal plan, if I were a wealthy man? ... Amen.

Everyone: Amen.

Peter:  That's an interesting prayer.  Is that from Fiddler on the Roof?

Thaddeus:  Now we know you're into musical theater. 

Kevin: Yes.  Yes it is.  Because.  Because it's an example of an honest prayer.  Reb Tevya is a flawed character, but he always prays whenever he wants, at a moments notice, and he prays honestly.  That's the kind of close parental relationship with God I want for all of you guys as well.  Consider it a challenge!  But let's stop paying attention to me.  What about all of you?  Why don't we all go around the circle and say a little something about ourselves?  Dinah?  Would you like to start?

Dinah:  Hi everyone!  My name is Dinah.  I play keyboards at my Pentecostal church.

Kevin: No way!  You're a Pentecostal?  I'M a Pentecostal!

Dinah: Oh no way!  That's awesome!  Do you have the gift of tongues?

Kevin (blushing):  I don't know if I'd call it a gift, but...

Thaddeus (whispering): she doesn't mean French kissing.

Kevin: Shh I know that. (To Dinah) Do you have a special someone in your life, Dinah?

Thaddeus: Objection.  Unrelated to church background or bible study.

Kevin: Overruled.  This is not a court of law.

Dinah: Actually, I'm dating Jesus right now.

Kevin: Ooooooooooh.  (As he stretches out the "oh" his facial expression changes through various emotions)

Lily: My name's Lily and I'm an Omphalos Lastthursdayist.

Cody:  I'm not sure I've heard of that one.

Lily:  It's basically a fundamentalist church, only we believe the earth was created last Thursday with the appearance of age.

Cody: Which last thursday?  The one before the church was founded?  Or just... Thursday last week?

(Lily shrugs)

Cody: Okay, well, I'm Cody.  I go to the Fount of Olives Megachurch.

Dinah: That huge one downtown with the lady pastor?  The pastorette?  Pastoritta?  What's the word for a lady pastor?

Lily: Ladies aren't supposed to be pastors.

Cody: I beg your pardon they can!  Ladies can do anything gentlemen can do.  And apparently some things they can't do.  Like date Jesus?  Did I hear that right?

Dinah (Proud of herself): Pastress!

Thaddeus:  My name's Thaddeus.  I'm Eastern Orthodox.

Dinah: Oh, you're one of those hipster Catholics?

Thaddeus: No. 

Peter:  I'm Professor Peter Gordonstein.  I go to a Baptist church.  We're traditional there.  Our pastors and deacons are male.

Cody: Oh was that directed at me?  Are we trying to get a rise out of me?

Peter: Not at all.  I'm simply making it somewhat more apparent that there's an ideological diversity in this bible study.  There's no reason some of us should bring these sorts of biases to the table while others shouldn't.  In fact it might reasonably be worse if one of us were allowed to steamroll the narrative.

Cody: Bullhonkey.  You're being petty cause I called out your bigotry in class.

Peter: I didn't get to be a respectable professor by being petty every time one of my students made false accusations about me to the dean.

Cody:  False accusations!  HA!  YOU'RE making false accusations!  I didn't talk to no dean.

Peter:  Oh no? 

Cody:  No.  .... did someone report you to the dean?

Peter: I apologize, ma'am.  I made an assumption.  I know better than that.  We should probably start studying some bible.

Thaddeus: What did they say you did?

Peter: Nothing I can't handle.  It's not even the worst thing on my plate right now.  Honestly, it's fine.

Dinah:  You know, I know most of us just met.  You don't have to share personal stuff if you don't want to.  But we are all Christians here.  We are all praying for you, and I hope we grow to be able to confide in each other.

Cody:  Someone probably reported him for the blatant toxic misogyny in the classroom.

Peter: If you must know, a student accused me of refusing to refer to another student by their preferred gender pronoun.

Cody: Did you?

Peter: I may not agree with that particular cultural development, but it benefits me nothing as an educator not to address my students however they want.  Within reason, I'm not going to kneel and call anyone your highness.

Kevin: I thought gender was fluid?

Lily: Ew.

Dinah: It's not.  Gender is a binary.

Kevin: Gender is absolutely a binary!  I've always said so!  Nothin but... ones and zeros...

Thaddeus: Wrong binary.

Peter: The school board is already under pressure from woke students to make preferred gender pronouns mandatory.  That is something I *did* vocally and publicly disagree with.  Because it's compulsary speech.  I don't like that at all.  For one thing, if we start a precedent of compulsory speech at all, it's not obvious who's going to be in charge of it, and it's not obvious at all it's going to stop at gender pronouns.  I assumed you heard about that and claimed I took it out on one of my students.

Cody: I did not.  But I'm not sure what the difference is.

Peter: The difference is that it's still my choice what I say.  It's a free speech issue.

Cody:  So what happens if a professor actually DOES choose to hurt a student?

Thaddeus: Hey, are we gonna study the bible?

Peter: First of all, it's not hurting a student, it's calling them by their biological pronoun. 

Cody:  It absolutely is an act of violence.

Peter: Secondly, the content of the speech censorship is irrelevant.  The act of mandating speech itself is a thought policing exercise.  And it's worth asking who gets to decide who gets to say what?  Maybe the school board gets pressured into decreeing that this bible study is an act of violence to this very public campus coffee shop?  Maybe we're allowed to have bible study, but we have to say specific phrases we don't agree with?  Maybe we have to greet each other with heil hitler?

Cody: Are you having fun, riding that slippery slope all the way to fearmongerville?

Kevin: Kiss!  (everyone looks at Kevin)  What?  I thought they were gonna kiss.

(Everyone settles into their seats and decompresses a bit while jazz music plays softly over the coffee shop radio.)

Dinah (opens bible): In the beginning, God created the heavens and the Earth.  The Earth was formless and without shape, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters...

(The others slowly open their bibles and click their pens and begin to follow along.  Thaddeus slides his bible over so Kevin can read along).

Scene 7

INT. Some kind of college lounge area/hallway. Dinah, Thaddeus and Kevin enter.

Kevin:  Boy, that bible study sure did escalate, didn't it?

Dinah:  Yeah, it really did.  I had no idea there was that kind of culture war stuff happening so close to home.  Like we're right in the middle of it now.

Thaddeus:  It was pretty tense.  I'm glad it's over.

Kevin:  Yeah, but hey, just because bible study is done doesn't mean you and I can't still hang out, right?  Grab a bite every once in awhile?  Have scary movie nights?  Eat popcorn?  Get scared and hold my hand?  Meet each others parents?  Go to Venice?  Start a new life?  Maybe go to the mall?  Are malls still a thing? 

Dinah:  What are you talking about?  We'll see each other at the next bible study, silly! 

Kevin:  What?

Thaddeus:  What?

Dinah (holds up flyer):  See?  You wrote that you wanted to make it a tri-weekly affair.  Maybe Cody and Professor Gordenstien can learn to get along and put their differences aside at the next one.  We'll wear them down for sure.

Thaddeus: Oh, I would love to, but uh... you know, being Eastern Orthodox, I'm not really supposed to be entertaining ecumenist efforts...

Kevin: Oh, bullhonkey.  If you didn't like us, you wouldn't still be hanging out with us right now.

Thaddeus (quiet realization): Oh dang.  I made actual friends with you guys.

Dinah:  Abso-tootle-lootly!

Kevin: Well, I don't know that I'LL be able to make it to too many more...

Dinah: What do you mean?  You're the one that wrote the flyer.

Kevin: I'm just kidding!  I'm coming to all of them! 

Dinah:  Delightful!  Now what are we gonna do about the whole gender pronouns nonsense that's going on?  Oh!  I know! (raises hand)  Pick me!

Thaddeus:  You're the one that asked the question.

Dinah:  I pick Dinah!  Oh thanks Dinah!  Okay, here's my idea.  We picket!  

Kevin:  ....Like with signs?

Dinah:  Yeah!  Like with signs!  If the students are putting pressure on the school board, we'll just have to put pressure in the other direction!  Like a clamp!  Ooh, I could print out little leaflets with statistics about depression and suicide rates in post-op transition patients! 

Kevin: You're talking about depression and suicide rates with a lot of glee.

Dinah:  Oh come on!  You know you want to.  Just give in to the peer pressure.  It's one little teensy weensy picket.  It's not a gateway activism, I swear.  Your parents won't even find out.  It'll be our little secret.

Thaddeus:  For the record, I'm not pressuring you into this.  It's just her.  I'm out.

Dinah (leans in, bats eyes):  Do it for me? 

Kevin (nervously):  ...Of course!  Wouldn't miss it!

Dinah (jumping for joy):  Horray!  I'm gonna go dumpster diving for 2x4s and cardboard!  And loose nails!  And hopefully not tetanus!   Tell everyone, see who we can round up to join us!  We're gonna convert so many agnostics!  (runs off)

(Kevin turns to Thaddeus with a desperate look in his eye)

Thaddeus:  No.  Absolutely not.  I am not going within ten feet of crazy Christian picket party.

Kevin:  I don't know what to do.  I'm no longer in control here.  Gasp!  I'm not the dungeon master anymore!

Thaddeus:  What's happening? 

Kevin: I don't want to picket against trans-rights.  I don't want to go to bible studies three times a week.  I don't believe in either of those things.   Is this what Professor Gordenstien is protesting?

Thaddeus:  Are you having an existential crisis? 

Kevin:  I lie to create situations I'm in control of.  I do it all the time.  Somehow this girl, she's grabbed ahold of my lie and twisted it against me.  There's nothing I can do about it because I can't say no to this girl.

Thaddeus:  You could tell her the truth.

Kevin (dramatically): Hoisted by my own petard!  Caught in my own bear trap!  tangled in my own web of lies!

Thaddeus:  You could tell her the truth.

Kevin:  She's turned the tables on me, has me doing all kinds of stuff I wouldn't normally do, and she doesn't even know it!

Thaddeus: Or you could tell the truth.

Kevin:  The truth?  Thaddeus?  That I'm not a Christian, and that I made up a whole fake bible study to get alone with her because I thought she was hot?  She'll hate me.  Seriously, Thaddeus that's a horrible idea, and you're an idiot for suggesting it.  Oh, Thaddeus, you're the smartest guy I know.  What do I do?  She's really taking me for a ride.

Thaddeus:  ... well... maybe you should let her?

Kevin:  Say what now?

Thaddeus:  Women have a mysterious way of getting under men's skins, and making them better people.  Apparently under all that bullhonkey there's a little... tiny... very very tiny... near microscopic... conscience.  I know.  I'm surprised too.  But she found it.  That little voice inside of you that thinks there's such a thing as wrong thing to do.  And she challenged it.  She grabbed right onto it, shook it around, got in its face and said "I disagree".  So let her have it.  Let her guide you into nurturing that little moral seed, and encourage it to grow inside of you.  To bloom and branch out and bear fruit.  And maybe someday it'll be a mighty oak tree of morality, and you'll be man enough to tell her "no" when she's doing something you think is wrong.  And that, my friend, is the day you finally become man enough to actually date her.  And by then it'll be too late.  Because you have a lot of growing to do, and she'll find an actual Christian to marry long before then. 

Kevin: That started as a really good pep talk, but it wasn't very encouraging by the end.

Thaddeus:  I'm not as good as you at lying.

Kevin:  We can work on that.

Thaddeus:  No.

Kevin:  The trick is to convince yourself first.  It's called method.